


Snek

by I_fell_asleep



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Based on a conversation in the Magnus server, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, I don't know what the fuck I was thinking, M/M, Snakes, end me, i need to sleep, not Jace friendly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-08
Updated: 2021-01-08
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:26:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28230123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_fell_asleep/pseuds/I_fell_asleep
Summary: Lorenzo has a problem and requests the best shadowhunter come help himAlec has a plan
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 13
Kudos: 39





	Snek

Magical snakes was probably not what the Institute was expecting to deal with on a Tuesday. Alec certainly wasn't, but to be fair he'd been called an idiot once or twice by trustworthy sources. Maybe someone _was_ expecting magic snakes on a Tuesday, maybe magic snakes were a common Tuesday staple. Alec wouldn't know.

It was Lorenzo who'd put in the call. Alec would usually be far too busy to help him, but Underhill had walked in at the worst moment so now Alec was saddled with helping the slimy bastard. If he didn't his stale bread boyfriend would throw a fit or something.

He'd requested Alec send the best he had, which wasn't going to happen. At all. He'd go himself to give a false sense of competency, but he wasn't going to do shit.

No one that messed with Magnus deserved any effort from Alec. 

In any case, he had the perfect Shadowhunter for the job. 

Lorenzo's mansion was still the ugliest building Alec had ever seen in his life - and he'd travelled far and wide with his dearest, most amazing husband.

Jace Herondale, lazy, cocky, rude, racist, homophobic, sexist and all around creep seemed happy enough with the snake mission. Alec tried to pay it no mind. 

"They're in my gardens," Lorenzo said immediately, like an asshole.

"I'm not a fucking map," Alec replied, "Where are your bitchass _gardens."_

Lorenzo harrumphed, "Being around Bane has made you so... Unmannerly I see."

"Get fucked."

"Well maybe I won't show you my gardens," sniffed Lorenzo. "You can just go home."

Alec just raised his eyebrows.

"But I wanna kill something!" whined Jace. Like a spoilt man child. Which he was. 

Lorenzo seemed to remember the snakes then and suddenly became meek, "Oh um, please follow me."

He was practically begging. Alec almost laughed. Almost. He was a professional, after all. 

He fell into step beside Jace. "We're not killing them." He reminded him. 

"But I _want_ to."

Alec looked at him, straight faced and said softly:

"So much as scratch one, and I'll castrate you."

* * *

Jace wasn't afraid of Alec. 

In fact, he thought Alec was pretty useless. He was good to have around when you didn't want to do something, or needed a scapegoat for whatever reason, but otherwise, what was the point of him? 

Jace was stronger, faster, smarter, but Alec had a warlock on his side. 

Jace wasn't about to risk his most valuable asset. 

The garden was huge, with long unkempt, dying grass. He couldn't see any snakes. He grinned widely. There was nothing quite like hunting down your prey. Eagerly Jace ran towards the garden, skipping the steps entirely. 

Then he realised he was alone. 

Alec was leaning against the door, ignoring Lorenzo's protests and staring down at the ground pensively. 

"Hurry up," snapped Jace. He wanted to get to it. 

Alec hummed in reply and held up his hand, two of his fingers sat at odd angles, broken. 

"Well then use an iratze!" Jace told him, "How did you even do that?"

Alec blinked slowly and stupidly, "I can't. I left my stele behind."

 _Of course he did._

"What, so I'm supposed to do this alone?".

"I can stand guard," from the tone of Alec's voice, Jace could tell it wasn't an offer.

Why did he choose the worst parabatai in existence?

Well, they did say you had to suffer to be beautiful, and he's the most stunning of all - it didn't matter what Magnus said. He was stupid.

"You'll probably fail at that," Jace spat. 

Alec looked unfazed. It shocked Jace for a moment - Alec always looked hurt when Jace reminded him of how useless he was - but he recovered quickly. He had a job to do. He'd do it better alone too. 

He strode into the grass confidently. What could a bunch of snakes do to Jonathan Christopher Wayland-Morgenstern-Lightwood-Herondale? 

He couldn’t see anything with how overgrown the grass was. He whipped out his stele to help with that. 

"Couldn't you have done that before?" Alec said unhelpfully. 

Jace glared at him, "Couldn't you help me? Fa-" 

He didn't get to finish. A sharp pain shot up his leg. He flailed backwards shrieking. 

"Did you get bit?" asked Alec, "Cuz I'm pretty sure they're venomous."

"What!" 

"Yeah."

Furious Jace tried to march over to Alec and give him a piece of his mind, but he's stopped by a jet of fire. He leaped back. His foot landed on something. All the warning he had was a hiss before he's bit again. 

The pain made him stumble. Then there's another hiss. He's bit again. 

And again 

And again 

And again

He fell to the ground. Blurry eyed. Weak. The snakes attacked his body repeatedly. 

He might have called out to Alec, begging him to save his life. He received no answer. 

He prayed to Raziel as his life faded. 

Slowly. Slowly. 

He died. 

* * *

In heaven, Raziel turned to face the earth, feeling one of his children die. He lowered one pair of his many Gucci shades to observe. 

"Ah." He said when he saw who it was. 

Another angel asked, "What's wrong?" Their many eyes were wide with genuine concern. 

"Nothing at all." He said and went back to relaxing. Some hell dimension could take that one. 

He supposed that counted as disowning in a way. 

* * *

The parabatai bond breaking only caused a slight flash of pain for Alec. It was gone as quickly as it came. 

He was free. 

Finally. 

He applied a quick iratze and fiddled with his wedding ring for a moment, then, shortly after, a portal appeared in front of him. He smiled as his husband - looking harried but no less stunning than usual - rushed out. 

"Watch the snakes," he called. 

"Snakes?" Magnus stopped and peered down at the grass. Then he gasped. His eyes went wide. "My baby! There you are!" 

Joyfully Magnus swept up one of the snakes, completely ignoring Jace. 

"I think your baby has a family," said Alec. 

Magnus looked even more stunned, "But it's only been a week since I lost them!" 

Alec laughed fondly, "It's been longer than that."

Magnus' face scrunched adorably. Overcome by love, Alec moved towards him. He didn’t look down, didn’t need to so long as Magnus was there. Magnus was kind, safe, the person Alec trusted the most. Holding him felt like coming home. 

Magnus leaned up to kiss him before he could lean down. Alec couldn't stop smiling. 

"I missed you," he murmured. 

"I missed you too," 

They stared at each other, practically glowing with joy and love. Magnus had dropped his glamour, his pupils were dilated and the gold of his irises was just about visible. He looked so lovely. 

Then a loud screech cut through the air. 

Magnus jumped. Years of training kicked in and Alec readied himself to defend his husband to the death - but it's just Lorenzo. 

He stormed out of his ugly house, spitting in angry spanish about 'Bane' and 'his useless fucking whore' along with some choice phrases that make Alec cringe. 

He didn't get far. 

The snakes were on him almost instantly.

Gently Alec directed Magnus' face away from the scene. He'd seen enough in his long life and he's far more caring than Alec. 

_Far_ more caring. 

Alec could maintain a good poker face. He doesn't have a reason to do so around Magnus - or he usually didn't, but in this case, he thought it would be for the best. 

Lorenzo looked up, one arm stretched, begging without words. Alec saw the moment he realised he wasn't going to get help. He felt a sick kind of happiness.

Gently Alec kissed Magnus' forehead. "Are you going to take the snakes home?" 

Magnus blinked up at him, then shook his head. "No, like you said, they started a family. I think they'll be okay."

"Alright." Alec was sure they could come visit anyway. Lorenzo certainly wasn't going to keep them out.

He placed a hand on Magnus' back and directed him towards the still open portal. Magnus leaned his head against Alec's shoulder.

"Let's go home."

Lorenzo died right beside Jace.

And they fucking deserved it. 

The end <3

**Author's Note:**

> Hhhhhhhhhhhhhh


End file.
